Practically Laura

Everyday No. 2

If you asked me who I’m voting for this presidential election, I would say no comment or something of the equivalent. Religion I may bring up with just about anyone, but when it comes to politics (especially now), I would rather not discuss it unless I’m extremely close to you, and I already know where you stand. Most of the time, there are no surprises that way.

But I do need to voice an opinion now and then, so as you might guess, my husband is the person most likely to hear my thoughts on the subject.

He's a great choice, by the way. He loves current events, politics, and history. He devours newspapers, talk radio, cable, and internet news. He reads every presidential biography he can get his hands on and then some. His dream job would be something revolving around teaching history or political science. In other words, he’s a good person for me to bounce back and forth thoughts and ideas about this touchy subject.

Oh, yeah—we also share a love of political humor. We’ll laugh at almost any politician whether we admire them or not. Hey, if you want to be in politics…

He’s a safe person, too.

To be frank, I rely on him to give me reasoned, well-informed information and opinions on the subject. I’m not as interested in current events as he. I have muffins to bake and naps to take, right?

That was a joke. In truth, I shy away from too much news. It causes me anxiety. I try to balance not keeping my head in the sand with the overwhelming information age we live in, needing to focus more on my present circumstances, while at the same time praying for our leaders and people around the world as they experience disaster…heartbreak.

It breaks my heart.

Anyway, I told him this recently—how much I rely on his good information and commentary. I wanted to give him a compliment, but I may have overstated my propensity to shelter myself, possibly even calling myself intellectually lazy. There may be some faded shade of truth to that, but I really shouldn’t say it out loud. It seems my self-deprecating humor needs more bounds.

His response was to suggest I read Politico.

This made me laugh. He’s so pragmatic. I’ve got that side to me, too, but I’m not sure he got how amusing I found it.

As we’ve been discussing the presidential race, he’s mentioned his Grandma Rotella a few times. He misses her, and he and his mom have been talking about what she would’ve said, who she might've voted for in this current race. Frances was a staunch Democrat, and back in the mid-1980s, Craig was just starting to figure out who he was and, at the time, a typical Alex P. Keaton, Hip-to-be-Square Republican. He was very much a product of the Texas, conservative movement of the day. Oh, the fun they had arguing with each other! Oh, man. They loved each other a bunch.

Frances, too, was a product of her environment and circumstances, an amazing cook and hostess, she loved nothing more than putting out a huge spread and seeing her family enjoy it to the fullest. And we did. “Seconds, anyone?” and second generation, New Jersey, Italian-American and identity completely wrapped up in it. In fact, I was just asking Craig about this, and he describes her as a massive Yankees fan. She loved the Yankees; she loved her Italian heritage, and she loved a Democratic candidate. She also loved penny poker and playing Mah-Jong with the neighbor ladies. I bet she ended up with all the pennies.

She was one smart, sharp lady.

I love that Craig had her—someone who loved him despite ideological differences.

I wish everyone had that. Maybe then they wouldn’t be so scared. Maybe then they’d remember to keep their eyes on Jesus.

I need to remember it, too, but for now, I guess I’ll go and read Politico.

Michael J. Fox as Alex P. Keaton in Family Ties

Thank-You Notes: To Those Who Persevere

 11 But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. (1Timothy 6, NASB)

Back in the mid-1990s I was A) bored B) disillusioned C) unsure about what to do about it.

Ever since graduating from Baylor, I had worked at one of the larger aerospace companies in the north Texas area, but my work life hadn’t turned out as I’d envisioned.  Although I made a good salary, was blessed with a ninety-five percent trustworthy coworker rating*, and had excellent benefits—I wasn’t satisfied.  After all, there didn’t seem to be enough work to fill the day or much opportunity for advancement.

So I started searching.  For anything.  I searched for anything that would be a ‘better’ alternative—jobs, school programs, starting a business, running away with the circus (I would take Craig along, of course.).

I’m not sure I prayed much about it, but I did consult Craig.  The result was that I decided to take the LSAT, most likely after watching one too many episodes of LA Law.  Who wouldn’t want to be Grace Van Owen, right?

 

Susan Dey and Harry Hamlin in LA Law

And scarily enough, I nailed that test…and a vista opened before me containing the best Texas law schools.

It was a heady feeling for a young woman who harbored a fair amount of hidden but deep-seated insecurity.  And you know the funny thing about insecurity, don’t you?  It’s such close friends with pride.  They’re as inseparable as two sides of a coin.  Seriously—can insecurity even be born without a fair amount of pride residing within a person?

So I quit my job, and I moved back to Waco because we had decided that Baylor Law was my best alternative.

And things went well at first.  I made study buddies, I kept up with the work, I survived some close calls with the Socratic method, and I tried to like law school.

Unfortunately, this is when the sticky part of the story starts.  This is when I write the stuff about which I’d rather not write.

I’d prefer not to tell you what a costly and bad decision I made**, because I just didn’t have it in me to stick with this thing.  I didn’t love it much less like it, I didn’t have a hunger for it, and it was costing too much money.  And it was costing too much personally for me to continue in it.  Yeah, I don’t think I mentioned that my husband was still living up in the Dallas area, finishing up his Masters degree.  We only saw each other on the weekends (So instead of the circus, I ran away to law school, and left my heart in Dallas.).

To top it all off, our savings was running out much faster than we had anticipated.

One Sunday evening, I looked at Craig as he was about to leave for Dallas, and I knew I couldn’t go back to class the next morning.

It seemed impossible.

So I quit.  I threw away an opportunity for which many people would gladly pay a small body part.

I look back on it now, and I know it was the right thing to quit.  I’m glad I did it—I didn’t and don’t want that lifestyle.  I’m glad I stopped the madness.

But at the time, I felt as if I’d failed.  I didn’t persevere, and I felt like a quitter.  And that feeling clung to me for a long, long time.

I’m glad I no longer see it that way because those ‘quitter’ feelings, understandable at first, were ridiculous in the long term.  I’m pretty sure that when the Bible teaches on perseverance that it’s not referring to being so stubborn that you cling to a bad decision.

In fact, I believe that the Bible is referring to something much more mind-stretching and beautiful.  It speaks of persevering in our continued growth as a believer (sanctification)—Hebrews 12:1-2; Romans 5:1-5; persevering in our assigned ministry—Luke 8:15; and persevering in our belief that God is going to take some of the crappiest (Excuse my French.) life experiences, turn them upside down, and use them for His glory and our good—Romans 8:28; James 1:12.

But perseverance is good in other ways as well.  When the parent with the child with a learning disability doesn’t give up but searches for ways to help them, that’s good.  When a father with no options but a thankless job doesn’t get in a car and drive, drive, drive far away because he cares more for his family than his ego, that’s good.  When loving grandparents raise their grandchildren because their own children are too immature to handle their responsibilities, that’s good.  When a person stays in a marriage with an unappreciative spouse and continues to demonstrate love to their partner, that’s good.

It’s always good when we make a commitment worth making, a right decision; then we stay with it even though it goes beyond difficult to heartbreaking to keep.

Only by the grace of God, I’ve done some of those things.  I’ve stuck with the important decisions when I haven’t had the care or energy to do so.  I’ve kept promises when not doing so would leave a trail of destruction.  And leaving law school didn’t leave a trail of destruction.  In fact, it enabled me to focus on getting a new job and moving back to Dallas to be with Craig.

I stopped questioning it a long time back.

But even better, I’ve seen some of you stick with those right decisions as well, giving the precious gift of a good example to the rest of us.

Even worse, I’ve seen some of you walk away, leaving a hurricane-ravaged landscape behind you; yet you never cared enough to look back.

Dear Persevering One:

Thank you for walking on.  I know you’re tired of going to the grocery store and rousting teenagers from their beds.  I am, too.  I know you’re scared of letting people down or not living up to your potential.  I am, too.  I know you want to give up, but you won’t.  By the grace of God, I won’t either.

Instead you’ll get some rest, take a deep breath, get yourself up, and try again.

Bravo.

Your most ardent admirer,

Laura

Author’s note:  I know I’ve oversimplified decision-making.  Only you can say whether or not my conclusions might work for you.  You may have many more variables to consider.  However, if you have made a decision which has left destruction in it’s wake, please consider taking it to God, asking him for forgiveness, and seeking direction from Him in the Bible and by prayer on how to make amends.  If you’re a Christ-follower, then God wants to give you second times infinity chances.  Even still, people won’t always allow you to mend your relationships with them.  Trust may be lost.  But if nothing else and in my opinion, you should make every effort to tell those you’ve hurt that you’re sorry and ask for forgiveness.

If you’re not a Christ-follower and seeking to know God better, you might want to start with Romans 5:8.

*This is Laura’s rating for the number of coworkers one could trust out of a pool of 100 random workers she might have encountered at the company.  In this case, she would estimate that approximately 95 out of 100 people at the company were trustworthy (Fantastic!).  This is a totally random number and based on nothing other than her feelings.

**I’m in no way saying that law school is a bad decision for you. ;)

A Craig and Laura Relationship

“You don't talk much... I like you!” – Young Ellie to young Carl in the movie Up

My fifteen-year-old daughter started talking about ‘hot’ boys around a year ago—generally, the imaginary type.  You know…from a movie or TV or a manga…like Chris Evans as Captain America.  It was interesting to me because she seemed to start on this typical journey of objectification so much later than many of her peers and, frankly, than I did.  This delay was, in many ways, a profound relief (I’m sure I don’t have to spell it out for any responsible parent.).

Yet it did begin.

You see, Craig and I have incredibly old-fashioned notions about dating.  But, however premature, I’ve still felt the need to have a few conversations with her about what I believe to constitute a healthy relationship—even though I don’t claim to be an expert.

Nor do I feel the longevity of my relationship with my husband necessarily qualifies me to comment.  I’ve known a few people who’ve been together far longer than Craig and I—and they’re unhappy.

But I can hope to give her some insights based on our own experiences, and I will…I must.

Because even though we, as imperfect persons, will be given to objectify the opposite gender, it’s important to point out the error of this mindset to those we should be teaching life lessons.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:  We’re so much more than the sum of our parts (or did I steal this quote from someone else?). So, whenever it happens…and it may already be happening…I want her to look past the obvious when dealing with real people whether they are purely friends or potentially more.

After all, we care about her future, so friendship is all we will allow her at this point (I know…many of you are shaking your heads at our naivety.).

So, to get back on track and believe it or not, one of the first illustrations I mentioned to her was from the movie Up.  Carl and Ellie have brought a few tears to my eyes—it was one of the best examples (and maybe the only) of a positive romantic relationship I’ve ever seen in popular media.

The screenplay was genius!

I mean, the writer must’ve plunged deep into their own psyche in order to give us such mature insights--and they portrayed it as an almost pure visual; there were very few words involved if I remember correctly.

I’m not the only person who feels this way about the opening segment of the movie, but why does it draw such an emotional response from so many?

I guess it seemed to exemplify a relationship with a sweet, fun friendship; mutual respect; support through adversity; and sound commitment.  It could’ve been otherwise because Carl and Ellie were portrayed as very different people.

So in thinking about my own relationship with Craig (and we’ve gone through many different phases), I’ve wanted to give our daughter some insights which may help her look beyond the immediate when developing her friendships plus…not all of which hark back to the movie.

So, my sweet daughter, here are some things you should look for or practice in a relationship (Craig, my love, some of these are my anniversary gift to you because you do live them out.):

1.  Since you’re a Christ-follower, only settle for someone who loves Jesus and takes developing their spiritual life seriously.

2.  Be wary of anyone bearing expensive gifts often and/or early into your friendship.  They’re very likely amazingly insecure or guilty if they feel the need to buy your regard.  Nor should they be looking for such things from you. 

3.  Look for a person who wants to return to you, to the metaphorical home…over and over.

4.  The above three things will take time to determine, so don’t be in any rush to push a relationship where it’s not ready to go.  Don’t let friends, family or ‘the world’ determine what your level of commitment should look like.

5.  Find someone who is not jealous of you, your talents or your opportunities.  They should never wish you to suppress your personality beneath their own (Think twice about anyone who is overly critical in general.).  They should encourage you when you’ve stalled and be the first to give you a standing ovation when you succeed—and vice versa.  If it’s the proper time, you should both be willing to put at least a short hold on your own desires in order to build up the other using the right amount of God’s resources at your disposal.

6.  Be committed to spending time together.  This may mean some compromise if your areas of interest diverge.  

7.  Like-mindedness is a blessing but showing mutual respect when opinions differ is an even bigger one.  In fact, this is such an active part of showing love—I truly can’t praise this practice enough.  Respect is an honest need for the vast majority of people.

8.  Look for someone who isn’t upset by emotion.  They may not completely enter into your feelings, but they won’t leave the room unless you’ve asked them to fetch a tissue.

9.  It's hard to word this correctly because attraction is so individual and unaccountable.  But here goes:  Even though physical attraction is essential, beware of too much of it.  Arrogance is not always but often can be an unfortunate side effect of beauty; its innate selfishness will quickly turn repulsive.

10.  Patience.

11.  Be loyal…you know, in the trustworthy sense.  How would you feel if they were discussing you behind your back or acting in a questionable manner?

12.  Forgive.

13.  Never think “It won’t happen to us.”  That’s a sure clue something’s being taken for granted.

14.  Cling to and seek God at all times, but cling especially tightly to each other when the hard things occur.

15.  Know that there are people who are praying for you.  Of course, this doesn’t mean the details of your relationship are any of our business.  Once you’re self-supporting, it’s always okay to tell those who interfere to stop—including your own parents.

16.  Pray together.

17.  We’re here if it doesn’t work out.  We’ll always love you.  But don’t let that tempt you from being committed when those fickle mushy feelings run and hide.

18.  This is true romance--a helpmate. 

Super Girl, we know you’re not there yet (Thank goodness!), but hang on to this if…when you might need a little direction.  But, even more, seek God and pray.

We love you.

Craig, thank you for wanting to be with me...for coming home as soon as possible.  Thank you for more often than not allowing me to have the last word--it demonstrated your faith in my ability to discern when I needed to change my way of thinking.  Thank you for encouraging me in my journey to discover my purpose.  You never doubted God had one for me after all.  I love you.  Happy 23rd anniversary.  Laura

November 18, 1989

A Carl and Ellie Relationship

 

(Ridiculous) Terms of Endearment: Snapshots of a Twenty-One Year Marriage

Snapshot 1:

It’s our wedding day, and Craig shows up at the church to check on me before the ceremony.  We stand at the back of the sanctuary and hug and talk and act normal.  I need him and he’s there. 

And all that superstition about not seeing each other on the wedding day…It’s a load of nothing (I would say “hooey”, but I don’t know how to spell it). 

Snapshot 2:

 We’re newly married. Craig thinks it would be funny to come home from work every Friday and in the middle of changing from his work clothes pretend he’s completely ready to exit the house for a night out or whatever…like the Emperor’s New Clothes, I guess.  I can’t help but laugh and be exasperated at the same time.  Finally, I’m done, and, while he is clothed only in his skivvies, proceed to get a death grip on his hand and try with all my might to pull him out the back door where we park our car and generally exit the house.

We don’t make it out the door, but he never does it again.

Snapshot 3:

We’re driving around north Dallas and must be delirious because we make up the most ridiculous terms of endearment we can possibly imagine and continue to call each other by them for the next several months.

Snapshot 4:

Upon finding out I was pregnant with a girl, Craig asks, “What are we going to do with a girl?”

Upon finding out I was pregnant with a boy, Craig asks, “What are we going to do with a boy?”

I think he more likely means to say, “After seven plus years of marriage, what are we going to do with a baby?”

I'm a little unsure about it myself, so I laugh a weak little laugh and don’t answer.

Snapshot 5:

While in labor with Super Girl and about to receive my epidural (Whew!), Craig explains to me why they’re asking me to bend my back like a mad cat.

I thought they were saying mad cap.  I have no idea what they’re talking about but after thirty plus hours of labor….

Snapshot 6:

We pack up everything and move north.

Snow, snow, snow.

Snapshot 7:

We’re trudging up a hill at Murray Hill Park in Westmount dragging a bright blue, plastic penguin sled and our three-year-old daughter.

Soon even three-year olds are forced to get out when you’re pulling them up a steep hill in snow.

Snapshot 8:

He babysits Super Girl while I take not-so-successful French classes at night.

I learn how to say 'parapluie' with the right accent and without spitting on anyone.

Snapshot 9:

We’re in the waiting room of the vet’s office.  He understands I need to be with our dog, Murphy, when she's put to sleep even though I can’t get my sobbing under control as we wait in the lobby, strangers staring.

Snapshot 10:

The aforementioned boy comes along, but they don’t allow Craig in the operating room while I’m getting my epidural.

This makes me a little sad, but soon they grant him entrance and he’s by my side…right where he belongs.

Snapshot 11:

Craig tries to draw a lightning bolt on my forehead because I’m such a big Harry Potter fan, and the next movie has come out.

We’re going to see it, but I don't love Harry enough to sport a Sharpie zig zag on my face.

Snapshot 12:

We move back.

Sun, heat, sun.

Snapshot 13:

He buys me my first iPod.  I think it’s lovely.

Snapshot 14:

I’m not sure about living in Houston.  Life is less urban but very convenient.  I have to make new friends…somehow.

On second thought, I’m okay.  I have Craig.

Snapshot 15:

I’m going to see my friend, Lori, in Montreal.

Craig and I decide not to discuss my desire to have some piercing done while I’m vacationing.

Lori and I have a lot of fun.

Snapshot 16:

Not long ago, we’re sitting in church, and, as the pastor talks to us about things which make us feel alive, Craig leans over to me and whispers, “It’s writing…for you…isn’t it,” and smiles.

I’m touched but joke back.

“It’s taxes…for you…right.”

We have to suppress our snickers.

*****

Happy 21^st Anniversary, Craig.

You’re my dear, dear husband.

You’re my dear, dear friend.

Love, your Snoogie Snogum.

P.S.  Please never call me that again…even in jest.

********

While writing I listened to "Here Comes the Sun".  Surely, you know who sings it.

Download 07 Here Comes the Sun