Tumbleweed Thoughts No. 6: I Cried

To Timothy, my beloved son: Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord.  I thank God, whom I serve with a clear conscience the way my forefathers did, as I constantly remember you in my prayers night and day, longing to see you, even as I recall your tears, so that I may be filled with joy.  For I am mindful of the sincere faith within you, which first dwelt in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am sure that it is in you as well. For this reason I remind you to kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. 2 Timothy 1:2-7 (NASB)

 

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this more than in passing, but I work with the eleventh-grade girls at my church, along with my two incredi-partners Alicia and Tiffany.

When you volunteer to work with the teens, the ministry has a policy that you stay and volunteer with the group through all four years of high school.  I’m sure you can imagine how good the continuity is for this age group—in theory, it allows time for us to learn to trust each other, and so we share deeper relationships.

It’s like a four-year marriage…

…or maybe more like a four-year prison term.

Okay, I feel as if I should mention that I have a little failing called sarcasm.  It crops up every now and then, and well, it just did.  I’m sorry.  Let’s get back on track.

Navigating through this responsibility has been interesting over the last two and a half years, to say the least.  However, God has used it to change me for the better in innumerable ways.

I’m going to be honest now and trust you to give me some understanding.  I’m also trusting that you won't try to fix it (whatever ‘it’ is) or offer me unnecessary comfort.  Remember:  God is teaching me lessons.

Here we go:

The first year, I didn’t feel like anyone in the high school ministry liked me (I’m exaggerating a little.).*  To summarize:  I was offended, and I cried a lot.  Whether or not my feelings were based in reality, God’s biggest lesson for me was to give people the benefit of the doubt, and then to give them patience.  Paranoia and self-focus had to go.  Forbearance and forgiveness were key.  After all, I, myself, love those last two things (Colossians 3:1-17).

During the second year, which I called our ‘Girl Power Year,’ I felt like things were better. We studied Ruth and Esther; then the second half of the year we worked through Lies Young Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Dannah Gresh.  This is a good book, but it tackles some incredibly sensitive issues about life and relationships.  We had a lot of fun…maybe too much at times.  Every now and then, our discussions would become so outrageous that they would get to the inappropriate point.  We would laugh about it, but at times and as their teacher, it did concern me that they seemed more focused on discussing these ‘taboo’ subjects than what the Bible had to say about God-honoring conduct.  It made me worry that I wasn’t being ‘spiritual’ enough around them, and I felt like a few of them were determined to misunderstand me.  I embodied the verb cringe, and I continued to cry every now and then—but not as much as the first year.  God’s lesson for me had to do with not being so hard on myself, and trusting Him to transform them.  So He’s continued to work at cleaning out more insecurity in me, and he’s been working with me on understanding my value in His eyes.  He doesn’t want me to be blind to my missteps, but He also wants me to ask forgiveness and move on.  Here are some key verses I focused on: 1 Peter 2:4-5, 9; Colossians 3:12; 1 John 3:1; Romans 8:31-39; Ephesians 1:3-5.

We’re on our third year, the junior year, and on many occasions it’s felt like a train wreck (Cue the crashing noises.).  I can’t go into detail because things that are private should stay private.  But in discussing our year with more experienced youth leaders, it would seem that a teen’s junior year is often full of more than drama, mainly because it’s such a tough and anxious year for them as they plan for their Future with a capital F.

So…of course I’ve cried.  In fact, I started crying while discussing it with our high school volunteer coordinator, whom by all accounts is a godly, awesome guy.  However, I don’t know him well, and he’s about eight years younger than me.

And he’s, well, a he.  Did I mention I don’t know him well?

It was a tad embarrassing.

I go off on these tangents about the ministry to illustrate that I’ve shed many tears, and not only over this part of my life.

I later had the chance to discuss that phone call on another phone call (lots of phone calls over the past months) with our youth pastor JJ, and he said something that I liked.  I can’t remember it word for word, but he suggested that we should feel free to cry or some such.

What?!

Yep, he said it. Of course, he meant that it’s good for others to see genuine emotion from us that's not harmful.  At least, I think that’s what he meant.** 

This makes sense to me.  After all, there’s a season for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:4, but consider reading the whole chapter).  If God acknowledges that there’s a time to cry; then I should feel okay to cry whether in joy or pain.  Furthermore and in my mind, Paul was not upbraiding Timothy for crying in the top passage. The tone seems to convey the desire to reunite and comfort.  In fact, David wrote that God put David’s tears in a bottle when he was oppressed by his enemies in Psalms 56, implying to me, that God is a loving God that cares for us when we’re overcome by life’s hardships (Psalms 56:8).

In all honesty, I look like death warmed over, but I usually feel better after a good cry.  Furthermore and for me, it’s often more appropriate to acknowledge the deep heartbreak that rains down…

…or the profound well-being that overflows…

…than to walk around like an animated stick.

So if you see me crying, don’t worry.  Just pass me a tissue if you have one.  You don’t have to enter into my feelings.  You don’t have to understand me or I you, but if I have a tissue, I’ll hand you one, too.

Let me know if you need to get something off your chest in confidence—I’ll pray for you.  Otherwise, I’ll leave you be, and you can do the same for me.

And, by the way, I prefer the Puffs with lotion if you have them on hand.

Author’s Notes, etc:

If you have been crying on a prolonged, daily basis, please consider making an appointment to see your doctor.  They can take it from there.

*Let me make this clear—I feel that God has revealed to me that these feelings were all about me.  If you were around me at this time, you should not be tempted to think they had anything to do with you unless God reveals otherwise.  After all and if you were around me in that situation and a Christ-follower, God would’ve been teaching you your own lessons, right?  We’re good.

** I emailed him just to clarify, but I think he’s forgotten to respond (This is an odd comfort because it means I’m not the only one with memory problems.). ;)

Comments

[Laura A.]

I love you, too!

[Suzy]

Love you, through laughter and tears.

[Laura A.]

Thank you for reading, Marie, and for the compliments! I feel blessed that you're part of my life. :)

[Marie]

Laura,
I so enjoy reading your blogs. You have a beautiful way of writing and it touches my heart because I feel we all have our day or days. You put so much feeling into your writings. Thank you. Marie