11 But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. (1Timothy 6, NASB)
Back in the mid-1990s I was A) bored B) disillusioned C) unsure about what to do about it.
Ever since graduating from Baylor, I had worked at one of the larger aerospace companies in the north Texas area, but my work life hadn’t turned out as I’d envisioned. Although I made a good salary, was blessed with a ninety-five percent trustworthy coworker rating*, and had excellent benefits—I wasn’t satisfied. After all, there didn’t seem to be enough work to fill the day or much opportunity for advancement.
So I started searching. For anything. I searched for anything that would be a ‘better’ alternative—jobs, school programs, starting a business, running away with the circus (I would take Craig along, of course.).
I’m not sure I prayed much about it, but I did consult Craig. The result was that I decided to take the LSAT, most likely after watching one too many episodes of LA Law. Who wouldn’t want to be Grace Van Owen, right?
Susan Dey and Harry Hamlin in LA Law
And scarily enough, I nailed that test…and a vista opened before me containing the best Texas law schools.
It was a heady feeling for a young woman who harbored a fair amount of hidden but deep-seated insecurity. And you know the funny thing about insecurity, don’t you? It’s such close friends with pride. They’re as inseparable as two sides of a coin. Seriously—can insecurity even be born without a fair amount of pride residing within a person?
So I quit my job, and I moved back to Waco because we had decided that Baylor Law was my best alternative.
And things went well at first. I made study buddies, I kept up with the work, I survived some close calls with the Socratic method, and I tried to like law school.
Unfortunately, this is when the sticky part of the story starts. This is when I write the stuff about which I’d rather not write.
I’d prefer not to tell you what a costly and bad decision I made**, because I just didn’t have it in me to stick with this thing. I didn’t love it much less like it, I didn’t have a hunger for it, and it was costing too much money. And it was costing too much personally for me to continue in it. Yeah, I don’t think I mentioned that my husband was still living up in the Dallas area, finishing up his Masters degree. We only saw each other on the weekends (So instead of the circus, I ran away to law school, and left my heart in Dallas.).
To top it all off, our savings was running out much faster than we had anticipated.
One Sunday evening, I looked at Craig as he was about to leave for Dallas, and I knew I couldn’t go back to class the next morning.
It seemed impossible.
So I quit. I threw away an opportunity for which many people would gladly pay a small body part.
I look back on it now, and I know it was the right thing to quit. I’m glad I did it—I didn’t and don’t want that lifestyle. I’m glad I stopped the madness.
But at the time, I felt as if I’d failed. I didn’t persevere, and I felt like a quitter. And that feeling clung to me for a long, long time.
I’m glad I no longer see it that way because those ‘quitter’ feelings, understandable at first, were ridiculous in the long term. I’m pretty sure that when the Bible teaches on perseverance that it’s not referring to being so stubborn that you cling to a bad decision.
In fact, I believe that the Bible is referring to something much more mind-stretching and beautiful. It speaks of persevering in our continued growth as a believer (sanctification)—Hebrews 12:1-2; Romans 5:1-5; persevering in our assigned ministry—Luke 8:15; and persevering in our belief that God is going to take some of the crappiest (Excuse my French.) life experiences, turn them upside down, and use them for His glory and our good—Romans 8:28; James 1:12.
But perseverance is good in other ways as well. When the parent with the child with a learning disability doesn’t give up but searches for ways to help them, that’s good. When a father with no options but a thankless job doesn’t get in a car and drive, drive, drive far away because he cares more for his family than his ego, that’s good. When loving grandparents raise their grandchildren because their own children are too immature to handle their responsibilities, that’s good. When a person stays in a marriage with an unappreciative spouse and continues to demonstrate love to their partner, that’s good.
It’s always good when we make a commitment worth making, a right decision; then we stay with it even though it goes beyond difficult to heartbreaking to keep.
Only by the grace of God, I’ve done some of those things. I’ve stuck with the important decisions when I haven’t had the care or energy to do so. I’ve kept promises when not doing so would leave a trail of destruction. And leaving law school didn’t leave a trail of destruction. In fact, it enabled me to focus on getting a new job and moving back to Dallas to be with Craig.
I stopped questioning it a long time back.
But even better, I’ve seen some of you stick with those right decisions as well, giving the precious gift of a good example to the rest of us.
Even worse, I’ve seen some of you walk away, leaving a hurricane-ravaged landscape behind you; yet you never cared enough to look back.
Dear Persevering One:
Thank you for walking on. I know you’re tired of going to the grocery store and rousting teenagers from their beds. I am, too. I know you’re scared of letting people down or not living up to your potential. I am, too. I know you want to give up, but you won’t. By the grace of God, I won’t either.
Instead you’ll get some rest, take a deep breath, get yourself up, and try again.
Bravo.
Your most ardent admirer,
Laura
Author’s note: I know I’ve oversimplified decision-making. Only you can say whether or not my conclusions might work for you. You may have many more variables to consider. However, if you have made a decision which has left destruction in it’s wake, please consider taking it to God, asking him for forgiveness, and seeking direction from Him in the Bible and by prayer on how to make amends. If you’re a Christ-follower, then God wants to give you second times infinity chances. Even still, people won’t always allow you to mend your relationships with them. Trust may be lost. But if nothing else and in my opinion, you should make every effort to tell those you’ve hurt that you’re sorry and ask for forgiveness.
If you’re not a Christ-follower and seeking to know God better, you might want to start with Romans 5:8.
*This is Laura’s rating for the number of coworkers one could trust out of a pool of 100 random workers she might have encountered at the company. In this case, she would estimate that approximately 95 out of 100 people at the company were trustworthy (Fantastic!). This is a totally random number and based on nothing other than her feelings.
**I’m in no way saying that law school is a bad decision for you. ;)
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