A little over seventeen years ago in mid-October…
“I-I think I might be pregnant. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, but I’m leaving on a trip later today. Do I need to come in before I leave?” My voice shakes as I slump on the edge of our bed with the receiver pressed to my ear. I'm worried they'll tell me that I shouldn't travel.
“No, honey. You don’t need to come in until you’re (insert what seems a light year away) along. Though we can make you an appointment today,” the nurse replies in a manner so matter-of-fact it causes me to have an odd sensation…maybe of confusion mingled with a little embarrassment. I was supposed to call, right? Don’t they care about me? Shouldn’t someone congratulate us?
“Oh. I didn’t know.” I pause to gather my thoughts before I continue, “Is there anything I need to know or do? Can I call you if anything comes up while I’m away?”
“Of course. Let me transfer you to the front desk, so you can make your appointment, and we’ll call in a prescription for prenatal vitamins.”
And with that, my anticlimactic phone call was over, leaving me with the feeling I’d done something wrong by calling the doctor’s office and not feeling reassured at all about travelling so far after learning this life-changing news.
Later that afternoon as Craig was taking pictures of my mom, my cousin Steve and me at the gate before we boarded the plane to Paris; I felt a weird mix of excitement over our trip mingled with uncertainty about this new thing supposedly going on inside me.
To be frank, it was a little unnerving because I wasn’t expecting positive results so soon despite the fact we’d been trying to start a family for some time. I hadn’t been ready to consult a doctor before that point (I wasn’t sure if I wanted to consult a doctor.). When I finally got around to mentioning it to my OB, he quickly ran a blood test to check my hypothyroidism and discovered my medication levels were off.
Yep. It was as simple as adjusting a medication level in our case, but in the meantime, I had started to get accustomed to the idea of never having children. I had been through all the grief of hearing of others’ pregnancies and grown tired of feeling the pain and hiding the tears. I was ready to begin to let that particular dream go. So I started mentally listing the positives of never having children and realized life wouldn’t be so grim without offspring and with a husband who was committed to our marriage. In fact, there were many upsides to opting out of the incredible, but mixed blessing of parenthood.
Maybe subconsciously I didn’t want to grow up…because that’s what parenthood does after all. There’s no escaping it.
Why then did I mention it to the doctor? Well, I must’ve been undecided about never having children after all. He adjusted my medication and POOF! I’m pregnant, just when I thought I should give up and count my blessings (Okay, yes, there’s a little more to it than POOF!).
Just when I had decided that life would be good with or without children.
I believe God loves to surprise a submissive heart.
So I boarded the plane for Paris with a tiny stowaway.
to be continued
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