A Craig and Laura Relationship

“You don't talk much... I like you!” – Young Ellie to young Carl in the movie Up

My fifteen-year-old daughter started talking about ‘hot’ boys around a year ago—generally, the imaginary type.  You know…from a movie or TV or a manga…like Chris Evans as Captain America.  It was interesting to me because she seemed to start on this typical journey of objectification so much later than many of her peers and, frankly, than I did.  This delay was, in many ways, a profound relief (I’m sure I don’t have to spell it out for any responsible parent.).

Yet it did begin.

You see, Craig and I have incredibly old-fashioned notions about dating.  But, however premature, I’ve still felt the need to have a few conversations with her about what I believe to constitute a healthy relationship—even though I don’t claim to be an expert.

Nor do I feel the longevity of my relationship with my husband necessarily qualifies me to comment.  I’ve known a few people who’ve been together far longer than Craig and I—and they’re unhappy.

But I can hope to give her some insights based on our own experiences, and I will…I must.

Because even though we, as imperfect persons, will be given to objectify the opposite gender, it’s important to point out the error of this mindset to those we should be teaching life lessons.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:  We’re so much more than the sum of our parts (or did I steal this quote from someone else?). So, whenever it happens…and it may already be happening…I want her to look past the obvious when dealing with real people whether they are purely friends or potentially more.

After all, we care about her future, so friendship is all we will allow her at this point (I know…many of you are shaking your heads at our naivety.).

So, to get back on track and believe it or not, one of the first illustrations I mentioned to her was from the movie Up.  Carl and Ellie have brought a few tears to my eyes—it was one of the best examples (and maybe the only) of a positive romantic relationship I’ve ever seen in popular media.

The screenplay was genius!

I mean, the writer must’ve plunged deep into their own psyche in order to give us such mature insights--and they portrayed it as an almost pure visual; there were very few words involved if I remember correctly.

I’m not the only person who feels this way about the opening segment of the movie, but why does it draw such an emotional response from so many?

I guess it seemed to exemplify a relationship with a sweet, fun friendship; mutual respect; support through adversity; and sound commitment.  It could’ve been otherwise because Carl and Ellie were portrayed as very different people.

So in thinking about my own relationship with Craig (and we’ve gone through many different phases), I’ve wanted to give our daughter some insights which may help her look beyond the immediate when developing her friendships plus…not all of which hark back to the movie.

So, my sweet daughter, here are some things you should look for or practice in a relationship (Craig, my love, some of these are my anniversary gift to you because you do live them out.):

1.  Since you’re a Christ-follower, only settle for someone who loves Jesus and takes developing their spiritual life seriously.

2.  Be wary of anyone bearing expensive gifts often and/or early into your friendship.  They’re very likely amazingly insecure or guilty if they feel the need to buy your regard.  Nor should they be looking for such things from you. 

3.  Look for a person who wants to return to you, to the metaphorical home…over and over.

4.  The above three things will take time to determine, so don’t be in any rush to push a relationship where it’s not ready to go.  Don’t let friends, family or ‘the world’ determine what your level of commitment should look like.

5.  Find someone who is not jealous of you, your talents or your opportunities.  They should never wish you to suppress your personality beneath their own (Think twice about anyone who is overly critical in general.).  They should encourage you when you’ve stalled and be the first to give you a standing ovation when you succeed—and vice versa.  If it’s the proper time, you should both be willing to put at least a short hold on your own desires in order to build up the other using the right amount of God’s resources at your disposal.

6.  Be committed to spending time together.  This may mean some compromise if your areas of interest diverge.  

7.  Like-mindedness is a blessing but showing mutual respect when opinions differ is an even bigger one.  In fact, this is such an active part of showing love—I truly can’t praise this practice enough.  Respect is an honest need for the vast majority of people.

8.  Look for someone who isn’t upset by emotion.  They may not completely enter into your feelings, but they won’t leave the room unless you’ve asked them to fetch a tissue.

9.  It's hard to word this correctly because attraction is so individual and unaccountable.  But here goes:  Even though physical attraction is essential, beware of too much of it.  Arrogance is not always but often can be an unfortunate side effect of beauty; its innate selfishness will quickly turn repulsive.

10.  Patience.

11.  Be loyal…you know, in the trustworthy sense.  How would you feel if they were discussing you behind your back or acting in a questionable manner?

12.  Forgive.

13.  Never think “It won’t happen to us.”  That’s a sure clue something’s being taken for granted.

14.  Cling to and seek God at all times, but cling especially tightly to each other when the hard things occur.

15.  Know that there are people who are praying for you.  Of course, this doesn’t mean the details of your relationship are any of our business.  Once you’re self-supporting, it’s always okay to tell those who interfere to stop—including your own parents.

16.  Pray together.

17.  We’re here if it doesn’t work out.  We’ll always love you.  But don’t let that tempt you from being committed when those fickle mushy feelings run and hide.

18.  This is true romance--a helpmate. 

Super Girl, we know you’re not there yet (Thank goodness!), but hang on to this if…when you might need a little direction.  But, even more, seek God and pray.

We love you.

Craig, thank you for wanting to be with me...for coming home as soon as possible.  Thank you for more often than not allowing me to have the last word--it demonstrated your faith in my ability to discern when I needed to change my way of thinking.  Thank you for encouraging me in my journey to discover my purpose.  You never doubted God had one for me after all.  I love you.  Happy 23rd anniversary.  Laura

November 18, 1989

Comments

[Laura]

Thank you, Suzy! I know you're a huge blessing to H and David. And thanks for sharing about David--that's incredibly sweet. xoxo

[Suzy Tarnowski]

#3 is my fave! And, what a lovely bride you were (and are). David will sometimes refer to me as "his bride" and it still melts my heart. I love #5, too. Super Girl is lucky to have you.

[Laura]

Thank you for the compliment, Marie and Al. I appreciate all the love and support you've given us through the years. Happy Thanksgiving!

[Marie & Al]

Beautifully written to E and so lovingly portrayed to Craig. We think you are terrific parents who have lovely children. Will always encourage and pray for your family. Love to all of you always. Mom & Dad A.

[Laura]

Thanks for reading, Nadia and Lisa! I love you both. Hugs!

[Super Bluebonnet]

Aww, that's so sweet! And we're thankful for Craig. He's a great brother-in-law and, even better, a great uncle!

[Nadia Cooper]

Beautifully written Laura! Thanks for share your words and thoughts. Happy anniversary to you both. ox